Humiliation...Harder than I thought

humiliation (noun)
1. state of disgrace or loss of self-respect
2. strong feelings of embarrassment
3. depriving one of self-esteem

The past few days have been pretty hard for dovescagedbird. Daddy has been extremely disappointed in me as adjusting to the lifestyle has been pretty tough. Dovescagedbird is a strong black woman who is used to speaking her mind without thinking of the consequences. i have experienced so many different emotions over the last few days. Emotions ranging from anger, hurt, low self-esteem, happiness, lust, pain & down right revengeful.

Master expects me to not question him or his intent EVER! But sometimes its hard for me not too. Whenever i feel insecure or that he's wrong, i've expressed this too him. i haven't been able to do it in a respectful way. Master requires me to be naked at all times with a hook in my ass. Sometimes, IT JUST DOWN RIGHT HURTS. When he disciplines me, he expects me to enjoy it, but its very painful sometimes. Master says a slave is supposed to enjoy the things that pleasures her Master, i'm working on it, but discipline isn't exactly fun. i'm doing the best i can. Master has been pretty understanding when it comes to this. One thing Master doesn't tolerate is a quick & evil tongue (which i posess). Master & i B/both agreed no other women in the relationship UNLESS approved by both. my insecurities are getting the best of me. i feel as if i'm not getting enough attention from Master. W/we were together all weekend but because he was upset with me he completely ignored me. i would have rather been punished versus being ignored.

Master expects to yell & talk to me any way he wishes & for me to sit there & take it. It's so hard!!!! He put me in the cage again & left me there for hours!! It hurt me so bad. Talk about humiliation!! i started to question if He really loved me. i started to question if this life style was for me. i started to get revengeful & wonder how He would feel if i caged Him up & made Him eat from a dog bowl. I started to wonder how it would feel if i spanked Him. Then i started to cry because i love Him so much. i want Him to always be proud of me & my progress. Being humble & respectful even when i feel Master is unfair is the hardest thing i've ever had to do. By nights end i apologized to Master & asked for his forgiveness. He accepted & pulled me into his bed and told me He loved me. He explained this life style isn't easy & that it takes time. He also explained i would be punished for my actions but he wants me to really think about if this life style is what i want.

i've come to the conclusion that it is. All i want to do is serve my Master & make Him happy. i want to belong to Him. i love when he flaunts his power & is gentle in the next breath. i'm turned on by it. Nobody ever said this life style was easy. i know Master loves me and would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. i will serve him until the day i die.

This blog entry isn't very specific as the things i went thru the past couple of days is too emotionally close to my heart to do so. i would love to correspond with other slaves & exchange words on how you get thru the different emotions you feel. Thanks for coming by...