Assignment of my sexuality…It’s official…I’m Bi Sexual

I wanted to take some time to reflect and those of you who read my blog an insight into my mind. By now you all should know that Master and I haven’t been in the scene long. I have reached out to a select few of you for help (you know who you are) in becoming the best slut slave I can be.

“You are bi-sexual”…when I heard Master say those words, it took me back to a time and place of confusion, hurt and pain. My Journey into BDSM started from as far as my memories go. I thought back to a time when I didn’t CHOOSE to be submissive. My mind drifted back to me as a child. With Master’s permission, I will begin to post entries of how I got to this place. A place of needing to be wanted, needing to be owned and loved by someone who would never hurt me, a place where I CHOOSE to be owned, a place of complete trust and loyalty.

When I heard those words from Master, I thought back to when I was a young child, around 6 or 7 years old. I remember always having a fascination with women. With the shapes of women’s body, with the way a woman smelled. By now I had long lost my innocence and so my sense of sexuality was very demented and confusing. All I knew was that I hated men and I craved being around women. I remember the few times I got to go visit with my aunties, I would rub their legs and skin & it would feel so soft to me. They would smell so good. Their hair, their skin it made me feel warm and for lack of a better word to use… almost aroused. Because of the abuse in my childhood, saying that my teen and early adult years were confusing is an understatement. (More on this topic later.)

My mind drifted back to the time where I thought I hated men. I was barely 18 & used to be an exotic dancer. For a period of about 3 years, I thought I was a lesbian. The thought of dating a man absolutely disgusted me. I went on several dates but never had the courage to dabble into anything sexually. My attraction to women came from their presence. Women seemed to be warm & soft and to understand me. I didn’t feel like a man could relate and at that time I my hatred over rode any emotions I could ever feel for any man. I remember at the club receiving multiple advances from women. I never felt awkward because I believed I was a lesbian. There were times when I had wet, naught dreams of caressing a woman, smelling their scent and tasting them, fantasies that never quite came into play. Thru the years I came to terms that what I was feeling was a comfort level more so than it being sexuality. Although I’ve always felt women were beautiful, I came to terms with knowing I wasn’t a lesbian.

Although I’ve never had any real sexual experiences with women, I have to say that I’m extremely excited and turned on by the fact that he has chosen for me to be bi-sexual. As Daddy is very anal, I can only imagine the BDSM scenes we will have of me licking multiple cunt’s assholes and wet pussies. I know exactly what is in store for me per his demented and oh so wonderful and wicked desires. I am his ANALBi-sexualpainslutwhorecunt!!! Master and I will be very careful to choose the correct play mates for our scenes but I have to say that I’m wet and extremely aroused just by thinking of it. Master has allowed me to post a couple pictures of myself for the first time. (Coming Soon) This makes his cunt extremely happy.

~DovesCagedBird~

Losing Master...Part III

I awaken and immediately feel confused. Where am I? I look around and see tubes coming from my arms. I have an oxygen mask on my face. I see that I’m hooked to an IV. I hear a steady beep in my ear. It’s coming from a machine that’s hooked up to me. I continue to look around and realize I am alone. I am in the hospital. Ever since I was a little girl, dying alone has always being my greatest fear. I start to panic a little & I hear the beep start to speed up a little. The nurse opens the curtains & tells me that I’m in the hospital and that I’m going to be ok. She states that they are running test and to try and relax and calm down. She removed the oxygen mask from my face & asked if I was able to speak. She asked if I was on any medications that they should be aware of & completed the appropriate hospital forms. She had me sign the forms (which was a task of its own). She gave me some ice chips and asked if I wanted to call anyone. That’s where it hit me…Master had left me. Panic began to strike me again…and the nurse could tell by my facial expression that I was uneasy. She told me to calm down & that she placed the phone beside me on the bed. She then said she would be back shortly but in the meantime to try and relax. I asked if I would be able to go home, she stated she wasn’t sure until all the test had come back. She left the room & closed the curtain back. This wasn’t a traditional room. This was the emergency room where all the patients were separated by a curtain and partitions. I look at the phone and tears began to stream down my face. Should I call Master? Would he care? Or will he hate me even more for contacting me. After lying there and feeling sorry for myself…I decided to call.

Ringgggggg, no answer. 2nd ringggggggg..still no answer. Maybe Master isn’t home. 3rd ringgggggggg..”Hello”, I hear Master’s deep, baritone, masculine voice. And somehow, it comforts me. “Daddy”…I say to him. “________________, where are you? The caller I.D. is registering for ___________ General Hospital.” “Daddy I’m in the hospital & I’m all alone & I don’t know what’s wrong yet”. And as quick as that…”DADDY’S ON HIS WAY SUGA” and he hangs up. Just like that, he hangs up the phone, no arguing, no questions, just a sense of urgency & those five words “Daddy’s on his way”. I feel a sense of comfort. I can breathe. Daddy still cares for me. (Suga is what Daddy used to call me as a pet name when we were in the vanilla world).

Later: I see Daddy enter thru the curtains. He looks worried. He comes in & sits by my bed and says, “don’t worry about anything Suga. Daddy’s right here”. I hear him speaking in the wonderful, comforting, soothing voice of his telling me everything is going to be ok & that he wasn’t going to leave me by myself. I hear him say “I won’t let you die alone”. Suddenly, nothing else matters…Daddy is here and I drift off to sleep.

A few hours later I wake up & see Daddy still at my side. He tells me that I won’t be going home and that I would be spending at least one more night at the hospital. He said I had a mild stroke and that he would be right there for me. I see a tear drop down Daddy’s face & he says, “I’m so sorry Baby, this is all my fault”. This was the first time I’ve ever seen Daddy cry. For as long as I can remember, he’s always been like Superman to me. And here he was, vulnerable, HUMAN even…crying for me. He said he would swallow his pride enough to be there for me and that my health is always more important than anything….to be continued soon

~DovesCagedBird~

Losing Master...Part II

What started out as a typical day, ended in the worst day of my life. i woke up & performed my normal slut morning duties for Master. O/our rules state that when He's not home, i may do as i wish and i've always tried to do right by Master. But on this very day, one bad decision has affected my entire life...

Master went to work and i did my normal house duties. i became quite bored and called Master on his cell & asked if i could try to find a BDSM chat room. Master said it was ok but said the only stipulation was i had to learn something or i wouldn't be able to go back to the chat room. i became so excited. i'm always happy to find other slaves like me. It makes me feel like i'm not alone & i always end up learning something. i search & search & i FOUND ONE. A real BDSM chat room. i was a little nervous because i had never been around other Master's before (except on http://www.theslaveregister.com/ & there's no chatting there) and i didn't want to offend or disrespect anyone. So i put on my best behavior & entered the room. T/they welcomed me with open arms. T/they were all so friendly. The moderator of the room was a submissive. i wont' give her name, but she gave me a list of rules. The rules included always being respectful, never i-m anyone without asking permission in the room first and to have fun. she stated the room was not formal & said i didn't have to chat in 3rd person or address myself in small caps.

It was wonderful. T/they were so nice. Especially the Master's. One particular Master told me that i should put a profile up. i explained i had not been allowed to as of yet but hopefully my Master would allow me soon. He understood. W/we chatted about "fake" BDSM'ers who prey on newbies like me to try and abuse submissives or to just get in her pants. It was so enlightening. Then...out of the blue...i start receiving i-m's. i responded back to the i-m's because they were Master's and i didn't want to be disrespectful or offend anyone. Like i said before i'm very new & i didn't want to embarrass Master. i wanted to make a good impression just in case He decided to chat one day. One particular Master asked me for pictures of myself. i was a little uneasy but his request was simple. i decided i would send him a picture. i figured no harm done. Note: i'm an extremely curvy multi ethnic female. i'm part puertorican, cherokee, african american & irish. Which made up a very interesting "product" to say the least. my body type is what you would call voluptuous with a capital V. i only say this because the Master started getting real "interested" in me after i sent him my picture. He asked for a picture of me in bondage and like a naive slave i sent it. Then it occurred to me that i was about to be in a heap of trouble...i didn't take my face out the picture. my Master would be furious. i tried to get the Master out of my i-m box but he wouldn't leave. i returned into the chat room & informed the moderator. she quickly booted him out of the room. i immediately felt sick to my stomach. i knew i would be punished hard...i just had no idea how hard.

i began to 2nd guess whether i would even tell Master what happened. i know i should never keep anything from Master but i was terrified. Not only is He my Master. He's my Husband & i felt i had completely betrayed Him. i decided to NOT tell Master...worst decision of my life.

Later: Master comes home & i perform my regular slut rituals. He asked about my 1st chat experience & i told Him it was wonderful. i even logged the chat conversation & showed Him. He was very proud of me & told me i did very well. Master had a huge presentation for a major account at work the next morning and had to do some research. He told me to go to bed early because He didn't need any distractions. i happily obliged...off to sleep i went..

i feel my head abruptly jerk back and awake me. i'm disoriented. my hair is being pulled so hard as i am yanked off the bed. "YOU CHEATING SLUT, YOU WHORE!!". Those are the words coming from my Master's angry lips. i'm confused, i have no idea what He's talking about. i look at the clock and it's 3 in the morning. What could i have done to make Master so angry? YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT..GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!! i see nothing but hatred & hurt in Master's eyes. What did i do? i didn't understand. So i muster up the courage & say, "What's wrong Master?". i feel the hardest slap i've ever felt in my life land on my face & knock me to the floor. my nose starts bleeding and i'm even more disoriented. i can't speak "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID & YOU LIED"!!! "YOU FUCKING LIED TO ME". I SAW THE PICTURES YOU SENT THE MAN IN THE CHAT ROOM. YOU GAVE ANOTHER MAN A PIECE OF WHAT WAS MINE WITHOUT ASKING MY PERMISSION. I DON'T WANT YOU ANY MORE. GET THE FUCK OUT MY HOUSE!!!

omg!! Master knows what i did. How could something so innocent be turned into something so horrible. i scream & beg for Master to hear me out, He refuses to listen....

Note: Please read Losing Master Part I to catch up..part III coming soon.

~DovesCagedBird~

Nasty Comments...

Before i made any post to my blog, i went to different blogs & introduced myself. i explained i was new to the lifestyle & that i would like some support from others like me. i received some wonderful advice from other Dom/slaves. But the one consistent thing said to me was "you will receive some negative comments" and to take them in stride.

This post is about my 1st negative comment. As i am new to this lifestyle, i really wanted to share my experiences & all my insecurities that came along with being a slave. Master & i are both new. W/we're both learning. On thing that most have told U/us is to make this relationship O/ours. There is no script to follow. And that's what W/we have done. Unfortunately, the going has been EXTREMELY rough. i have a long way to go to become the true slave that i so desire to be.

my comment read as this "you are about as real as a $3 bill". my 1st instinct was to delete this comment. Thoughts of "the nerve" of them to say i'm less of a slave/sub than anyone else? my insecurities of being a good slave returned and in all honesty, my feelings were a little hurt because Master & i are B/both going thru some trying times right now. After talking with Master, He decided to leave the negative comments in the future & to embrace them as any other comment. People will always have their opinion. my goal here is not to prove my authenticity of being a slave, but to find my true self in being a "good" slave.

So thank you anonymous....whoever you were. i appreciate you taking the time to read my blog. i will use your comment as a lesson that i have a long way to go b4 i reach my true inner self.

i would also like to thank everyone who has offered me any advice. It is greatly appreciated.

~DovesCagedBird~

Losing Master...Part I

First...disbelief!! Did i just hear Master say those words? Get out!!! I don't want you!!! Next...an extreme sense of fear. He doesn't mean that... Master promised to keep me, cherish me, love me, mold me forever!!! i desperately look into his eyes while kneeling in front of him. They are empty. Full of disgust!! Disgust for me, His WIFE and His slave. He throws my leash at me, tells me to pack my things & to get the fuck out of His house. He throws $100 at me & says go get a room and get away from Him. Tears are pouring heavily down my face. Anxiety kicks in, i'm desperate. i'm pulling at his feet while he tries to get away from me, begging him to change his mind. i began to cough heavily. He kicks me away & says GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. I DON'T WANT YOU!! i crash to the floor in disbelief. I can't breathe. Every breath feels as if someone is hitting me in the chest with a sledge hammer. i began to cough profusely, saliva begins to run down my mouth & i still can't breathe. i try to catch my breath but i can't. i feel as if i'm going to die right then & there.

He comes over me & removes my collar. He says to me, "you stay, I'll leave" & leaves me there, all by myself. Master knows my greatest fear is to die alone. i panic! Where is the phone, i need to call for help. i began to vomit violently...& a voice in my head says "omg please don't let me die alone". i vomit again, over & over. i can't get up. i can't call for help. i can't breathe. i'm irrational. my inner voice says "Master is gone. If you don't breathe you WILL die alone". i concentrate one second at a time on breathing. i'm still vomiting. Anxiety is still controlling me. my inner voice screams at me "GET IT TOGETHER, BREATHE BITCH OR YOU WILL DIE ALONE"!! and i breathe between the violent vomiting. Next...find the phone, where is the phone? Call for help. my eyes wont focus. everything is blurry. i can't see anything but big blobs of blur. "CONCENTRATE BITCH OR YOU WILL DIE ALONE"!! i concentrate harder to see, between the unimaginable coughs & heaves & vomit. There it is, i can see the phone. It is wayyyy over there!!! Next...drag yourself to the phone & call for help. i feel helpless, i feel myself about to pass out between the coughs & vomiting. my head is pounding, my eyes feel as if they are about to explode out of my head. my head is pounding. DRAG YOUR BITCH ASS ACROSS THE ROOM & CALL FOR HELP OR YOU WILL DIE ALONE!! i call 911...here comes the seizures...again, and again, and again. i hear the voice on the other end, "ma'am, what is your emergency?". i am unable to answer her..."i am dying alone"....and i swiftly drift away into unconsciousness...

Story to be continued soon... ~DovesCagedBird~